Ted Kasinki was my neighbor...
I don’t usually wake up with clarity that I didn’t have before I slept. Professionally I render data at night and wake up poised, which I guess is a great second sentence contradiction to what i’m trying to convey.
My personal life has never seeming gained much insight from sleep. Professionally I certainly sleep on problems and sometimes wake up tired from thinking about them. And a lot of times I acknowledge that there are many times when the exhaustion seems to have just been stress? Maybe I should acknowledge that there are days where I’ve woken up not with resolution (like an old computer punch card result) but instead just this intense pressure to go reconcile the unresolved thing. Save for a few things which were BIG I don’t wake up worried.
Maybe that is what I am trying to get around to saying.
For whatever reason though and I do not have the answer to the why, it isn’t like that with my oldest daughter. When we have conflict I can’t sleep. I think part of the issue is that there is no resolution to be worked out in my resting mind. And usually the next day I can’t push for that issue to be the only issue we work through. People, teens especially - it seems do not like pointed conversations where you get deep in the weeds till it is worked out. Diplomatically at best it seems like our “draw”, or our standoff is that she awkwardly withdraws to acting like it didn’t happen and i’m trapped in that moment.
I get trapped in a lot of moments…
Regular folks seem to think that when you’re getting trapped in a moment you’re holding a grudge. Holding a grudge is apparently the fault of the grudge holder. Grudge holders are held in contempt for not letting things go. “Move on.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Don’t let everything else hinge on this.” “Is it worth it to just let it all go cause of this one issue.” Poor grudge holders.
Saying i’m trapped in a minute could obviously make me a revisionist of grudge holding. It is possible i’m trying to do an emotional go fund me to rehabilitate the idea of holding to the principle of something.
I do hold grudges.
I have these intersections of interfacing in my life with people where I’m paralyzed with my continued love for them and this show stopping frustration, anger, or just pure unwillingness to move past our issue. Is all of this from a lack of maturity. Are my standards too high. Does it just go back to what I put into my relationships. It feels like if I say “i put so much into my relationships” that now i’m speaking to the weight, value, investment, exposure and my contribution. And because of what i’ve brought I don’t want to keep giving it if I don’t even know what we’re doing.
In my mind grudge and being trapped in moments I can’t progress through with a person are absolutely different. A grudge is what being trapped in a moment that is never resolved turns into. A grudge is something that an unresolved issue turns into. Unlike other grudge holders my love and hopes for that person and for us resolving things grows stronger by the day. The people I have unresolved issues with, man I feel like they have huge pieces of me, my love and thoughts for them never seem to fade away.
All that said and I absolutely believe that it was probably necessary for myself that i discuss holding grudges and how this that i’m talking about is in fact different, that this that i’m talking about precedes the fossilized resentment that becomes the grudge.
In the grudge you at least have the comfort of anger, hate and righteous indignation to comfort. When I get trapped in the moment, it just feels sad. I don’t even have a lot of sad places. I think I can at least say that getting trapped in a moment doesn’t always turn into the grudge, thank goodness for that. Having any active moments in play though really drags on my well being. Emotionally I feel very bruised, frustration is there and a sense of moving forward into the future is murky.
The part about the future is a big thing for me cause i’m present, but I spend a lot of time in the present building out the future. And when my relationships have any kind of static, the future seems to change. Like, the future i saw, what i was building to, my idea, or rendering in my head shifts. Ripples go through out everything and then I find myself having to mentally contend with these alternate timelines and hypotheticals. My day to day suffers, because my space of easy thoughts is now flooded with “why are you not allocating all resources to resolution”. Downer. Resolution or rewriting my perspective are the only things which help and rewriting my perspective always seems to be really intense in response to the other person.
I think mostly my biggest issue is the part where people say “let it go”. Parents say it about kids, but clearly “let it go” creates long term problems cause it feels like there is less “they’ll grow out of it” then there used to be. Also it seems like people who let it go really do rewrite their perspective, they just keep it close to the vest and lie to the person they have issue with. How is that right or good, sure the relationship continue, but there is a under current that wasn’t there before, which both people now silently live with.
I want to say i’m sad more than i’m mad and inside that is how it plays out, but my incredulity really does escalate to umbrage and the remnant does end up being frustration and anger.
This piece was written early in January of 2018. It relates to an ongoing struggle my oldest and I are having about school. Frustrating for me is that her education has always been (for me intellectually and how i’ve presented it to her) about trying to dial in to what she wants to accomplish while being willing to accept the challenges of encouraging and pushing and cajoling to get her there. Though that has always been just one of the options, with the other one being best described as getting an good education, and having a good life and just not stressing. Giving people a choice isn’t always easy; giving kids a choice, harder maybe…