My first run with writing myself to the web was a one year experiment. I had just come off of doing Sick Puppy Press and I just wanted to explore myself, it was good. It was good cause I just wrote about things that came to my mind. There was and was not an audience at that time for such stuff, there was no cranky back end. I”d write it, stick it to html and load it on my page. In the beginning KFO was just an extension of me, just me online, me trying to penetrate the tight confines of not being able to express who I am.
For the next few years I struggled with the cause celebre of what it meant to be a early member of the “this is my life online” culture, and also the fact that after splitting up with my long time collaborator Jonnie, I had no interest in doing an uptight site. To that end I can truly admit to saying that there is no better shame than the shame of hosting a variety show.
Through out this mixed decade I did what one does, fight and fail at routine, fight and fail at trying to find the voice that was, but isn’t, and shouldn’t be resurrected. You fight to express yourself in the visceral way that things come to you, and balance out how everyone loves it except the person you’re talking about.
I realize there is no balance to speaking out about life. I don’t talk about life as it relates to me, I talk about life as it relates to me and my relationships, it’s not always favorable, and I am not going to change that with a class in diplomacy.
In the last five years I changed a lot of who I was and it was important for equilibrium that both JLWS and I change together, that we share in that change and that we work during that transition to reweave our relationship and that has not happened as we planned. We don’t have the same dream. We don’t have the same pathing, or sense of purpose for what that route is, by the very nature of my transformation I am not who I was, our relationship is not what it was, that’s a problem. The new goal isn’t to stay married and get fiscally right again, the new goal is to see what is here now and if we can make a plan to make something new that we both want to be a part of. Cause what we have now doesn’t…
Did a building just collapse cause I said that?
Am I the only person who has every said “I am not who I was when I got married, and I don’t know anymore.” Am I the only person who decided to live their life out loud and be honest about it? Weird, everyone else talks about their marriages and relationships, my ears have heard the tales, but it’s a secret? C’mon now, this is silly, why can’t we just talk about it in the open.
This is still me trying to penetrate the tight confines of not being able to express who I am, not knowing who I am, not knowing how my relationships work for me. It’s an experiment, and it will remain in the public forum.
epilogue
I am surrounded by the aching souls of people who have few dreams left. I had a dream. I wanted to show people that hard work and sacrifice of everything for a period of time was well worth the delay in gratification. I had a dream that there was something more than just right now. I still believe in that dream. I don’t know if that dream works with another person, that’s the question, that’s what I’m going to explore here for the next year.
Post Mortem
It didn’t work… I’m told it’s cause i’m crazy.
Dig it.
If she remembers, she hides it whenever we meet
Either way now, I don’t really care