Celebrated the 5 year anniversary this weekend. I don’t know how anyone except for people who are ecstatic with each other stay married… Jennifer says she incredibly wary of what I write about her online, that I am a critical fuck about her. I’m just not happy. Like not with marriage, with anything. I’m not happy.
I want a “do over” i want to just start from scratch, in a new town, alone, by myself, maybe with no one I know. I never understand or could relate with what people have meant when they said that.
I understand now what it means to just want to be free of any fucking relationship you might have. This isn’t about marriage, this is about destiny, freedom, the pursuit of your own personal happiness, adventure unencumbered by whatever.
I feel part of it with no debt. I’m truly curious about what it would mean to have no obligations, what it would mean to have no relationships.
This doesn’t have anything to do with my marriage, it has everything to do with the whole desire to be fresh and new. Certainly people can advise on how that doesn’t take away from the inner demons, but I know that already; they are along for the ride.
I am not looking at this life or this world with rose colored glasses. She is wrong when she says i’m never happy, but she’s not far from the truth either.
This is not a journal under my bed.