I question everything about my life.
I wonder if anything was worth anything.
Can you feel that complete and total hopelessness and can any fruit born of that soil not be bitter?
If you continue to try to accomplish something, but with a truly empty heart, is that the art of Zen or have you sold your soul?
What were their last words?
Why believe they were words when terror, despair, shame, and ache of the heart, are all things felt, not said…
I am not dead.
I lament the friendships that seem to be dying around me. I also feel more comfortable that I am letting my friends have the life they want. Those two things are so conveniently packaged together.
Friendship suffers money.
Friendship suffers deals.
Friendship suffers love.
Friendship suffers fuckery.
It’s always two when a friendship succeeds, always two when the friendship ends. People, the individuals in the relationship, they are not as strong as the friendship itself, which is really an institution of memories.
Still, it goes back to Jules saying “let it go, let it be, forgive and forget.” Dagaboo.
I bear the stabbing wounds of guilt, while drowning in unexpected betrayals.
I did not think 08 would have this frustration about it, nor did I think I’d be let down the way I was in some events. It’s not over yet, still time to see shit shake out differently. I want more communication when things are not right, and it is in the nature of people to communicate less when things are not right….
Well, the year is half over, everybody dead is still dead, the people on some bullshit are still on some bullshit, some folks are getting it together, some folks are spiraling down hard, others just doing that thing they do, burning through good will cause it has no immediate impact on them.